Return of the Humans, Comments Thread

[cairn destop]

An auditor for the state.  And now the second half of the SPAG report.



This is how your pack lives?" she asked him. = the dialogue tag is unnecessary as the prior paragraph infers that it is Sonata who is speaking.  Also the reference to the word "pack" infers the bat is speaking since bats live in colonies.

rush of wind, and the sight = no comma

trees bending painfully to one side made both of them snap = liked the way you teamed two words, bending and snap, but the word "painfully" doesn't apply to trees; it is an illogical analogy.  Eliminate the word.

His left paw gripped the long sword = Okay, where did this thing come from?  Your earlier description mentioned him being armed with a sword, not with two swords.  It's an inconsistency that should have been resolved in the earlier section.

His steps where light = You keep confusing the word "were" with the word "where."  An easy way to remember is that where (meaning a location) has a built-in answer – here.

he lunged into the tree line. = Say what?  I can see the wolf lunging OUT of the tree line, but into it?  Then there is the line at the end of that paragraph, "as Allester walked out."  Either he is in or out, not both.  This paragraph needs editing for its timeline.

but their complete lack of fur! = Avoid exclamation points unless it is an essential point and only once per chapter.  Overusing these is a mistake, much like the boy who cries wolf.  After a time, they lose their importance.

One of the men stood up, his hands shaking in a terrified manor, out of sheer instinct, Allester bared his teeth and let out a deep rumbling growl to assert his dominance. = Boy do I have a lot to say about this sentence. --- A painful example of "head popping," which is a sudden shifting of the point of view, POV.  Your first phrase has the POV of an outside observer, the second from the unknown stranger's, and then closes with Allester's POV. --- The phrase "out of sheer instinct" is a telling phrase that should be eliminated.  You show better with the barred teeth and growl. --- And how does one "shake" in a terrified manner (your word means house)? ---- This segment needs work editing.

and we landed in the tree's = trees (plural)

For a moment, Allester considered their story, though only half-heartedly since many of the things this beast said made no sense at all. Even still, the submissive gestures the male made to him said they where no threat, so he sheathed his swords at once. "Your names." Allester asked in his deep voice.  = Another fun paragraph that had its potential killed.  You spend too much time telling.  Add a line of dialogue to the wolf's comments.  Suggestion --- The submissive gestures the unknown male made said they were (again, you used the wrong word) no threat.  "Your words are meaningless to me."  Sheathing his swords, Allester barked out his orders in a deep voice, "Give me your names."

noticing they where toying = Hedgehog is going crazy with the constant word error.

A deep snarl and bearing of his teeth on the left side of his maw made them freeze immediately. = What you're describing is more of a sneer than anything else.  Have him turn his head in their direction.  Remember, he has already asserted dominance over the unknown males, so he can focus on the females.

This went against everything he knew about animals, interspecies relationships meant they where not worried about lifestyles of their peers, freedom from segregation. = So Larry has the gift of divine insight?  At this point in the story, he knows nothing of the Morph's lifestyles or their culture.  Keep it that way until it gets later in the story.  He might comment to one of his companions about the oddity of a wolf and bat being together, but nothing more.

One of the woman spoke, short black hair barely shoulder length on her head. = You have three, identify her as "One of the two remaining women said as she removed her head gear.  (Which leads into my next comment.)

The final woman had black hair as well, but the straight length rolled down her back just bellow her shoulder blades. "Security Chief Linda Flaire." = You may have noticed I eliminated the description for Ashly in my prior comment.  My reason is to bring it out here where you can figuratively kill two birds with one comment. Suggest --- Like Lieutenant Ashley, the third woman had black hair, but it rolled down her back just below (your word is a noun, not the preposition needed here) her shoulder blades. "Security Chief Linda Flaire."  (This might be a nit on my part, but a security officer would need to know combat, which means long hair is a definite no-no.  Were I to write this, I would have the hair lengths switched.)

as his stance shifted his legs apart, making himself look larger and more intimidating. = Telling again.  Suggest --- shifting his stance in an effort to appear larger and more intimidating.

~~~~~~~~~ Next Day ~~~~~~~~~~ = Eliminate.  Your text should explain the passage of time, which you do with the line "When Allester woke up."


He laid it down on the ground and began digging in the ground = the duplication isn't needed; eliminate the phrase "in the ground" as that is the only place a character would dig.

The berries where gone = there's that word error --- again.
Humans, I think they where real this = and again
if she where calling = and again

He stopped and let her down to her feet, and then buried = a bit verbose.  Tighten it up.  Suggest --- He stopped, let her down, and then buried  (the phrase "to her feet" is a redundancy)

Taking several breaths, and then two more before standing up and pointing down one path of the road. = A fragmented sentence that needs further editing.  Suggest --- Taking several breaths before standing, Allester pointed down one path of the road.  (Beware of pronouns; too many can obscure your character's name and confuse your reader.)

He wanted to get in to town and quickly, report the encounter, and help to recover the humans. = Tighten the wording.  Suggest --- He wanted to race into town, report the encounter, and help recover the humans.


Story review tomorrow.  Am sleepy.

[Allester]

Heh, ok I got one MAJOR beef with your commentary about the Hair!!! The Japanese and Chinese for YEARS had super long hair and pulled off Combat far better then most people without ever once having a problem. =^^=

We also have the fact Humans would like be relying on "Gun" type weapons much like Oxy is commenting about often, which means hair length is irrelevant! Yer just picking on me now.*cries* It's not fair... guys are so Jealous of my women when they have long hair... ahhh... *looks around shifty eyed and sighs as he wins no award* Ok so the Mask idea doesn't work here... *stalks off to go finish off his primary work, but stops* No hatin' the Hair man!!! *chuckles and runs before he's beaten*. =^^=

Ok wait, I just realized you commented about my swords. I very clearly made note he carries 2 swords. A Bastard sword on his left hip, and a longsword synched just above it. It's a style Samurai used with their Katana and Tanto, it allows faster movement into the "Pincer Guard Stance" which is detailed in the brief "pounce" he makes on the humans where the bastard sword is in his right hand held normally, and the long sword held downward with the blade parallel to his forearm. Wasn't an inconsistency =^^=

And I found out WHY all my "were"s were becoming "where"s. It seems one of my Updates to Microsoft word came with an 'auto-replace' bug. While I was writing the religious background history to one of my other, longer running stories, I noticed my 'were's transforming after I'd hit the space bar, much like the "auto-correct" and "Auto-complete" functions of word. After I shut off [ALL] of the "Auto" stuff, it stopped happening. So we should be good now. Again, thanks for picking that up, I can't believe I kept over looking that... that irritates me >.<

[cairn destop]

The point about the hair was just an observation, and my own thinking.  As you noted, long hair does not mean one cannot engage in hand to hand combat, meaning your point is well taken.  And as I said in the beginning, I'm not perfect.


And now to the story itself:




The love story is an interesting one and something I have always wondered about in a multi species race.  Wondering about such cross breeding, but that's not an important element.  What is important is the relationship between the two characters, which I find has potential.

We open with the wolf, Allester, having been exiled from his pack for his apparent love for the bat lady, Sonata.  After a brief meeting, they are drawn to an unusual noise.  This turns out to be the lost humans.  Though others complain about the actions, your scenario has plausibility.  Since the humans are scientist, they don't expect combat.  Though I wouldn't go for the full submissive, I can see such a reaction as normal for everyone but the Captain and the security officer.  The Captain would be trying diplomacy while your securit officer is seeking some way of turning the tables.

Your use of the flash-bang grenade was excellent.  As you noted, darting requires skill.  Too much or too little can make things worse.  At least now the humans will be able to anticipate some future encounter and can plan for it.  That makes a future chapter one where the two are on an even keel.

A nice closing with a mild cliffhanger.  Based on the story to date, the objects spotted were the escape chutes, which acts as confirmation of the human's story.  So now we await the reaction of the Morphs to the news that humans have returned, though based on what Allester knows, they do not return as omnipotent beings, but castaways.

[Oxanna]

The love story is an interesting one and something I have always wondered about in a multi species race.  Wondering about such cross breeding, but that's not an important element.

"A hedgehog and a rabbit have hedgebunnies. A fox and a bunny have bunnyfoxes.

But a hedgebunny and a foxbunny don't have hedgefoxbunnies.... they have hedgebunnies, hedgefoxes, foxbunnies, or plain 100% bunnies." ~Ralph E. Hayes Junior, in response to a comment about his style of species mix.

[Allester]

Carin - HEY!!!! Someone picked up they're scientist!!! Heh, as for the thought's on the Captain and the Security officer, you answered your own statement. The Captain set the motion to 'submit' to the wolf until the right time and his team having been with him likely for years picked up on it. The security officer is the one who tossed the Flash Grenade since none of them were armed with any major weapon. Now something i should mention, never take my comments as being 'pushy or mean'. I'm very hyper and energetic, and it tends to go into my writing, even when commenting.

Carin 2 - Hmm well Allester & Sonata are two characters from another series I write called "Moonlight Symphony" thought that's more of an Adult series due to the War happening in the Series. I figured a "Forbidden Love" angle in a world that is still volatile due to species segregation made for an interesting plot device. Since I already have the two main characters developed in my mind, it makes raising them in this series all the more easier and would allow me to focus on the development and descriptions of the other characters. I really don't want to let Sonata get pregnant since I don't know if the creators of the game had a 'reason' species couldn't cross breed. If they don't have a reason... then I would love to have "Flying Puppies"... yeah I know, to much Family Guy. =^^=

Oxanna - Hehehe, see my reply "Carin 2" for my Flying Puppies remark. =^^=

[cairn destop]

Just to let everyone know, I am in transit, both physically and mentally.  Meaning I might have difficulty getting online until I get my apartment established.  So some quick comments.

1 --- Allester has my full permission for the use of my character.  We discussed many of the details revealed here.  I consider any vairience due to the conversion of a Redwall character to this universe.

2 ---- Some points for Allester:

A  --- Copy your latest upload
B  --- Eliminate your latest chapter, cancel the thread, delete the thing.
C  --- Go to the first chapter and use the reply button to add the chapter just deleted

Reason --- Consider a "thread" the same as a book.  Add each chapter so future readers can locate the earlier chapters in one location.


3 ---- I have read some of the story, but will hold off until I'm operational before commenting.

[Allester]

Just to let everyone know, I am in transit, both physically and mentally.  Meaning I might have difficulty getting online until I get my apartment established.  So some quick comments.

1 --- Allester has my full permission for the use of my character.  We discussed many of the details revealed here.  I consider any vairience due to the conversion of a Redwall character to this universe.

2 ---- Some points for Allester:

A  --- Copy your latest upload - Done
B  --- Eliminate your latest chapter, cancel the thread, delete the thing. - Done
C  --- Go to the first chapter and use the reply button to add the chapter just deleted - Finished moving =^^=

Reason --- Consider a "thread" the same as a book.  Add each chapter so future readers can locate the earlier chapters in one location.


3 ---- I have read some of the story, but will hold off until I'm operational before commenting.

See A,B, and C. =^^= Thanks for the tips. Used to HAVING to open new topics from other forums >.<

[cairn destop]

Not to worry, I learned this method on another fan fiction site and think it more logical when doing stories.  Am hoping to return to the internet soon as a more active member, but real life is throwing me one too many curves all at one time.

[cairn destop]

I have been offline since December 25th as I start a new career as a blackjack dealer at a casino.  Yeah, no lie.  So it might be another day or two, but I'll be getting back to the story and offering my comments.

[cairn destop]

Okay, now it's time for the "peanut gallery" to have his say.  Much of this chapter has some strong points going for it on a structual basis.  You make a stronger effort at showing the action and not telling everyone what is happening.  The comments that follow are all presented as constructive.  Like I explained earlier, anyone noting differences between my character here and in Questor Bold Two can be attributed to a translation to another story's universe.  I find your use of my character interesting and have no objections to your continued usage.  I say that here just in case anyone thought such usage wasn't authorized.




The air in . . . patron = An excellent opening to a new setting.  You also did better here showing what is happening instead of telling us what is happening.  Some of the word selections here paint quite a picture.

Out of habit, he kept a sap tucked into a pouch on his right hip, just in case (space added) some of the patrons got out of line. = Though all the details are accurate, try spacing them out so you can keep your readers wondering.  For example, if a patron got rowdy, you could have Cairn reach in his pocket and Allester use a restraining paw while telling him, "No need to use your sap, I'll put him in his place."  (Remember, you need not use every fact known about a character first time they meet.  Key word: entice.)

small ears attention, in turn causing him to turn his head = "in turn" is awkward, suggest eliminating.

Twelve years, you over grown excuse for a pillow = This sounds like there has been a long time since they met.  I know you mean the two knew each other for twelve years, but it isn't clear.  In this context, I would suggest changing "years" to either "days" or "weeks," which follows the logic of a recent past.

reached into the area bellow, and pulled a short sword up. = Think you mean "below."  The last phrase is awkward, I suggest "and pulled out a short sword" or "area below, retrieving a short sword."  (Eliminates the ending preposition.)

But to leave our mark in history. = I liked how you both confirm and establish the character's habits and how they relate to a species specific action.

slight pyramid shape wile Cairn = while

As if they where different = were different

It's all just to uhh = too

Good cliffhanger at the end there.



Just curious why the bat didn't take to a nearby branch as a perch.  If I were writing this and the characters were staying overnight, I would have some real fun with the wolf, teasing him about their nocturnal differences.

[cairn destop]

Okay, no problem here, but I must admit that your story had me thinking of a scene that would have been amusing.  At least it was to me.  So I'm going to insert it into your story as an alternative.  Of course it cannot be used as it would destroy your story's continuity.  Still, I had fun writing this segment and hope you can enjoy my take on how your characters would react.






   "Hmm... Legend does say Human's sailed into the stars, but I never believed they had actual ships that could fly in to the sky like that."

   "Which is why I want people to find out. If I where to try and claim this, people would simply call me a liar, trying to reclaim my pack with such a find. Will you help Cairn?"

(Your text.)

"For no other reason than curiosity, I'll join you on the hunt."  Seeing Allester rubbing his paws together and his eager grin had the hedgehog holding his paw up for silence. 

"Listen Allester, both of us are diurnal.  Tramping off into the woods this late at night will do us no good.  Best we get a good night's sleep.  So which would you prefer, the dormitories or a private room?"

When the wolf asked for a private room, the hedgehog smiled.  Turning to the bat, Cairn first gave a slight bow.  "We have had bats staying at our Inn, but I'll have to tie you up for the night."

Allester gave a menacing growl.  "Try that and friend or not, I'll gut you here and now."

Sonata giggled.  "I know exactly what our innkeeper means.  Now do slick those hackles."

Cairn bowed a second time and glided out of the room.  When Cairn returned, the wolf continued pacing the room behind the lady bat, his eyes stabbing daggers at the hedgehog.  For his part, the hedgehog ignored the wolf and placed four wooden sticks that measured less than half an arm in length before Sonata.

The bat removed one sandal and curled her foot around the first stick.  With a flick of her ankle, she sent the wood off to the side.  As she flexed her toes around the next, she purred.  Cairn looked at one end and then led the way out of the room.

Once again the trio was assaulted by the noisy common room as they made their way outside.  Walking down an aisle, the three passed another female hedgehog sitting behind a counter.  Cairn whispered something and the female handed over a pole that came up to the hedgehog's shoulders.  At either end of the pole sat a large eyebolt.

Everyone climbed the stairs and down the hall to the private rooms.  Just as they reached a door with the number five on it, three male hedgehogs spilled out of the room.  They did not acknowledge the two guests, but did shout back that all was ready.  Allester's ears twitched and he cocked his head to the side.  Sonata didn't help clarify things.

Inside the room, Cairn began hooking the pole he carried to two ropes hanging from the rafters.  While he did this, Sonata removed her sandals and laid on the floor.  When the hedgehog held the pole near her bare feet, she latched onto the pole. 

Walking to the opposite end of the room, Cairn pulled on the rope and Sonata was lifted off the floor.  When the bat hung from the ceiling, Cairn wished her a good night.  Then he turned to the confused wolf.

"Our roof doesn't allow sufficient maneuvering room, so we have to tie our bat guests up when they sleep here.  I'm sure you can release her come morning.  Then we'll go hunting for these humans you spotted."  With that, Cairn withdrew from the room.

[cairn destop]

Let me publicly extend my congratulations for the fan fiction award.  Here's hoping future chapters will do as well.

[Allester]

Thank you very much man. I'm still working on Chapter 3... unfortunately my nephews been in and out of the hospital lately >.<

[cairn destop]

After finishing a seven-day work schedule, I can get back to my online reading and writing.  Saw you had another chapter posted and started my analysis.  Though I know SPAG isn't the primary focus of your story, I have that portion following my comments regarding the story itself.


The story itself:
So our three characters awaken inside a human laboratory or research facility.  We are introduced to another human, a female scientist who isn't about to follow the rules of ethics.  She even goes as far as to experiment on herself and has transformed into a blended life form.  Should prove an excellent protagonist, though her abilities could make her formitable to overcome.

I found this chapter to be a logic bomb of atomic proportions.  In the earlier chapters, the humans described themselves as castaways, abandoning a doomed ship.  Here the humans not only have a secret laboratory, but are within a day's walk of several Morph settlements.  This lab even has a "built" look to its entrance (the iron barred grate) that should have been discovered if it is that close to any settlement that has hunters.

There is also the matter of the number of humans.  The earlier chapters had four.  Now we have an additional three.  Sonota even hints at observing "others" beyond a glass wall.  This infers either the humans lied or this is a second group.  I might accept the lie angle, but the discovery of the parachutes would support the castaway line.  The second group angle remained viable until the wolf recognized the second lady as the one he saw earlier.

Then there is the escape.  Ingenious of Allester using the bat's ultrasonics as a weapon.  Based on the reading, I can infer that Allester killed the mutant scientist, the one female from the "castaways" and the two guards.  If any or all are alive, it seems out of character for a warrior to leave an enemy behind.

I did think it a good touch having the female scientist mention that she was doing research into finding a better Morph "slave."  Gives our heroes a noble cause to fight.  Am also glad that our main characters are prone to injuries or miscalculations as it makes them more believable.  (Allester wouldn't do something that would disable him, though he would accept such a risk.)

Will await the next installment.  And now for the unwelcomed

SPAG REPORT:

into his bones from bellow him = below him (wrong word)
wing-arm rose and rubber her temple = rubbed (typo)

A new voice sounded, the echoing noise of heels clipping down a cement surface attracted their attention. = a bit confusing since the next sentence has her entering the room, which means she called to them from outside.

hanging just bellow her knees = (below --- bellow = a device to pump air)

Her red hair pulled back into a bun and pony-tail while her blue eyes rested behind a pair of glasses. = I know what you mean, but as written, the hair and eyes are acting on their own.  Suggest rewording this paragraph to eliminate the "her" and inserting nouns such as "lady" or "scientist."

It's stronger then titanium = Its (possessive)  This will make the sentence a fragmented one, but in dialogue, such things are allowed.

Sharp teeth of a Wolf, Feline like grace and reaction, eyes of a Hawk. = Sharp teeth of a wolf, feline-like grace and reaction, and the eyes of a hawk.  (clumsy read and the capitals in the middle of the sentence when not a proper noun.)

She purred almost. = needs clarification.  Can be done by: 1 --- She purred, almost. 2 --- She almost purred.

Un-amused, especially at being called a 'dog', = This is telling.  Eliminate as you accomplish the same thing by showing in the second half of the sentence.

I wont rip your throat out, Omega = won't  (also a nice use of a pack term)

He barked out, using a pack mentality word against her. = Needs clarification as I infer you mean to have Allester insult the woman.  Suggest --- He barked out a pack word that would offend any female.

from the invisible barrier of pain = The "of pain" is redundant, eliminate.

Sonata blinked, then the words = semicolon, not comma.

This information got Kashin's attention. = Telling, try showing.  Something like "Kashin tilted her head to the left and her brow wrinkled.

forgetting about her questions about Allester's swords = verbose, suggest eliminating the words "about her questions" or "about Allester's swords" as one is a repetition of the other.

Sonata could bare to see her mate in this shape = two things.  One is the spelling – "bear." And the second is the inference that she doesn't care what happened to the wolf.  Think you missed the word "not" following "could."

His smile made her feel better = A bad case of head jumping.  This is the thinking of Sonata, which is followed by Allester's dialogue.  Eliminate the head jumping by clarifying the first part.  Suggestion --- He knew his smile would make her feel better.  This keeps everything in Allester's perspective.

pad to his cage, the = semicolon, not comma

pulling one arm from his captors arms = captor's (possessive) and as written, infers the wolf pulled his captor's arms (plural), clarify by changing "arms" to "grip."

onto the wolfs chest = wolf's (possessive)

That same woman they saw the night of their capture walked in. = Which one?  There were three women with the Captain.

Myself and my Mother = word order, --- My Mother and I  (sounds too unnatural for dialogue)

but Dr. Kashin walked out = shouldn't it be "walked in?"

those cages to wear they lead him = where

Inside wear several metals = were

her hand away, one of = semicolon, not comma

A low growl coming from him as he glared at these furless beasts. = change of perspective here, maintain the same POV by changing "coming" to "came."

it's far to dark = too dark
it's far to soft = too soft
out of the area, once = semicolon, not comma
now lets get = let's
the wolfs ears = wolf's (possessive)
to the south west. = to the southwest.
the make shift stretcher = the makeshift stretcher

[Allester]

The story itself:
So our three characters awaken inside a human laboratory or research facility.  We are introduced to another human, a female scientist who isn't about to follow the rules of ethics.  She even goes as far as to experiment on herself and has transformed into a blended life form.  Should prove an excellent protagonist, though her abilities could make her formitable to overcome.

---> You made a spelling error! *cackles* Finally, I catch you Cairn! "Formidable!" He he. Glad ya like Dr. Kashin, unfortunately she's not dead yet. =^^=

I found this chapter to be a logic bomb of atomic proportions.  In the earlier chapters, the humans described themselves as castaways, abandoning a doomed ship.  Here the humans not only have a secret laboratory, but are within a day's walk of several Morph settlements.  This lab even has a "built" look to its entrance (the iron barred grate) that should have been discovered if it is that close to any settlement that has hunters.

---> Much like the world is unexplored, who's to say humans aren't STILL on the planet and just haven't shown themselves to morphs. Perhaps they're just watching. But in this case, there are 2 groups of humans. More will be revealed later. As for the lab, just like in your story, cloaking wouldn't be a problem. Not to mention there's a Castle built by Canine's, an Airbase in the game that was run down but in working condition, so who's to say another facility couldn't look 'empty' but still actually contain life deep inside. =^^=

There is also the matter of the number of humans.  The earlier chapters had four.  Now we have an additional three.  Sonota even hints at observing "others" beyond a glass wall.  This infers either the humans lied or this is a second group.  I might accept the lie angle, but the discovery of the parachutes would support the castaway line.  The second group angle remained viable until the wolf recognized the second lady as the one he saw earlier.

---> See above answer. for the number of humans. And the woman Allester recognized, if you re-read chapter 2, is the one who caught them. =^^=

Then there is the escape.  Ingenious of Allester using the bat's ultrasonics as a weapon.  Based on the reading, I can infer that Allester killed the mutant scientist, the one female from the "castaways" and the two guards.  If any or all are alive, it seems out of character for a warrior to leave an enemy behind.

---> Nope. It did say he assaulted the guards who dropped from their ear pains. Allester would be forced to retreat do to the risk he took with said ultrasonics, but leaving only 'mildly' wounded enemies around would be a bad thing when they're so close.

I did think it a good touch having the female scientist mention that she was doing research into finding a better Morph "slave."  Gives our heroes a noble cause to fight.  Am also glad that our main characters are prone to injuries or miscalculations as it makes them more believable.  (Allester wouldn't do something that would disable him, though he would accept such a risk.)

---> Yes, I don't like "Uber boff immortal characters" like in movies now days were there's 2,000,000 bullets fired at them and they only take a couple nicks and cuts IF THAT. (Now in Die hard, I loved how he was just a normal guy running around and HIDING not just walking out, shoot shoot shoot and then move on, he retreated A LOT). I had to think realistically on this, Canine's already have uncanny Hearing, Hedgehogs are 'mostly' deaf (No offense Cairn ;p), and Bat's are accustomed to it. So of course folding his ears back would only muffle the sound, but he'd still hear it as bad as the human guards did, if not more. It was sheer adrenaline keeping him going as far as he did.

---------> Also on a note, I'm surprised you made no snide comment about Allester being referred to in a demeaning manner such as being called "Doggy" and such. *chuckles* I honestly expected you to pick up on being called an overgrown pincushion too. =^^=